Ayyy Dios Mio..

I've just been to heaven and back..
and I'm high on life!

I LOVE Jon Stewart

he's so intelligent. and hilarious.
I wish I could clone him and send him to Beirut...
"Yawmiyyat Hanna El-Satawarty"..
or maybe not..my work would all go to waste after only a few of his Yawmiyyat..at most..
you know, another "dog killed by supernatural forces", as one very noble Faysal Mekdad once commented following the assasination of one of the greatest journalists of our time..disgusting.

we're meeting in Frankfurt baby

for some leibefraumilch and frankfurters..

memories: Episode 1

date: summer of 1987
age: 8 years old
place: Doha International Airport, Qatar.

She's staring at the seatbelt sign, refusing to blink. she wants to be the first to unfasten her belt when the lights go off. her heart is racing. her mom is putting lipstick, it smells good. she likes her mom's lipstick, sometimes she tries it on, but unlike her mother's full lips, hers are thin, like his.

her heart is racing. she looks at her younger brother, his hands are pre-occupied with He-man and Shera, she studies his little fingers and smiles in her head. Shera is so pretty.

her heart is racing. she's finally going to see him again. the mere thought of it brings a smile to her face. she has two teeth missing and she can feel the new ones coming out.

her heart is racing. is he going to kiss her first? she is so shy.. she doesn't want them to see how much she misses him. she imagines spotting him in the crowd. she imagines running to him. she imagines him lifting her up and turning her around as he always does. she imagines wrapping her arms around his neck and smelling his perfume. Old Spice, or Fehrenheit? it has always been easier for her to close her eyes and see him through his smell, not his pictures. she loves his pictures, but only his perfumes, the bottles he keeps in their room with his other things, could calm her down and make her cry away her longing for him whenever she missed him so much.

her heart is racing. it's been seven months. the sign is finally off.

get a room!

less than 3 minutes later..

you and I, 3al rawche

on a lazy afternoon, eating labneh w zaitoun w zeit..and drinking chai..
the sun in my eyes, the breeze, the sea on my lips.
and you. indifferent. all smiles.
the sun in my eyes.

A sexuality spectrum?

what determines sexual orientation?

well, when it comes to the fruitfly, our closer-than-you-might-expect relative, it seems that a single gene is sufficient to determine all aspects of sexual orientation and behavior!

but since our developmental process is slightly more complicated, we still don't have a clear answer , and it's probably a combination of pre- and post-natal cellular environments, neuro-genetics and hormones, and psychological/social factors, something along the lines of a bio-psycho-social model.

Here's what I think. it's not a black-white situation. I know that in general people are labelled either straight or gay or bi, but I have a feeling that the situation is a bit more complicated than that.

As with every other aspect in our body, there must be a spectrum of expression of thousands of genes that results in a unique healthy individual. now, when the spectrum is extremely shifted one way or another, so that protein levels are either too high or too low or even absent, then we have a pathology or a disorder.

what makes us all different is first and foremost our genetics (eye color, skin color, etc). but more so it's the subtle differences in the spectrum of expression of genes that are common to all of us. That's why for example, people have subtle differences in alcohol tolerance, metabolism, response to stress, character etc..

what about sexual orientation? i agree, people who identify themselves as gay/straight/bisexual are for the most part gay/straight/bisexual, respectively, and always will be. But is that all? isn't there a slight deviance? I think there is.

I've had this conversation with a lot of people, and most of them admit that even though they are, and always will be, straight/gay (I haven't met a bisexual, at least not one that i know of), they have felt real physical attraction to some members the other sex on occasion. I mean we can deny it, ignore it, hide it, whatever, but at least let's think about it.

oh, and I'm straight, for the most part :-)

tell me, when

I was reading an article today concerning some Lebanese people that have been locked up in Syrian prisons for more that 20 years. Every time I hear about this I get totally enfuriated. On several occasions I've watched mothers holding pictures of sons they haven't seen in decades, begging to know simply whether they're still alive or dead, and if dead, where are the bodies? is it too much to ask for, the right to grief for your own flesh and blood?!
over 600 people are forgotten in these prisons. Why isn't anyone doing anything about it. Why is the whole world silent about such crimes and injustice? if those people committed crimes let's hear them, deal with them, and give them what they deserve.

but this, this is just utterly unbelievably cruel.

when did a mother's agony become so easy to ignore?

As I write this so many forms of injustice delivered by humans to humans come to my mind..all over the world people are being stepped on, starved, left for dead, and so few seem to give a damn.

when did a human being become so cheap?

In the mood for love, anyone?

you know, some people have this dark aura about them, that just splurts negativity all around?

I just had an encounter with one of them, and I find it sad. seriously, so so saaaad. It really has something to do with energy. and guess what, it spreads. ohhh yes it does. only if you let it, though.

I was peacefully happily strolling around and... splash! suddenly I'm all soaked up with minuses from head to toe..hello...um, what the hell is your problem?

so I just took a long hot shower, washed alllll those slimy little charges away, and I really thought about it..and you know what? screw it. with love.

So to all you pluses and minuses out there..take this. a splash. in your face. Spread the love yo!
and the pic is also for you (also outside the Fine Arts museum. Unnamed, but I'll try to get the info one day)

positively,
me.

spring

you, what you've been through.
unbreakable, beautiful, bright, a diamond.
i would do anything to be with you on this day, any day.

you're with me, everyday.
when i'm laughing, you laugh with me.
when i'm sad and low, you lift me up.
when i'm a success, you cheer for me.
when i'm a failure, you cry with me.
when i'm about to wrong, you stop me.
when i'm weak, you pray for me.

when i felt like giving up, you saved me.


i die slowly when i think of the days wasted, me being far and away.
so many little stories i'd like to share after a long day. i wish you'd be here so we can gossip in disbelief. and make fun of dad. and analyze why she said what, and why he is calling again.

sometimes i call you twice a day, and you ask "are you ok?" and i want to say "just wanted to hear you" but instead i say "just wanted this recipe..". but then you call me a minute later "your voice is shaky, what's wrong".."nothing, I just woke up.."

they say I have your eyes.
I say I know your eyes. I know the sorrow and the pain. I know the fear of a day that should never arrive if there really is a God.

I know the hope and the faith. in us, what you created so lovingly, day after day after day after day, you watered our lives with love and watched us grow.if we are beautiful, it's because of you.

i am beautiful. and so is he. and so is she. because of you. mission accomplished mom, now it's your turn.
One day I'll spoil you as much as you spoiled us.

may you always be dancing.
may you always be spring.

my psycho adorable bestest friend (numero dos)

rouba is a 'cutie'
but she hates that word
and when she's not 'on duty'
she's a really cool nerd

she lives in iowa city
so you must understand
that she calls it iowa "shitty"
and reflects from "farmland"

she's my other best friend
and i love her so
cool tops she used to lend
and off we used to go

pacifico and bliss house
for drinks and a philly
then back chez nous at west house
cracking up and acting silly

rouba is her name
and trivial pursuit is her game
she used to kick my ass
you'll find me crying on the grass!

good old great times
i will always remember
and i bet my 10 dimes
we'll have more in september!

I LOVE sundays :)

just got back from hat-shopping and coffee drinking with g.
who said Sundays were boring?!
here's a passage i was just reading and loved:

" you say to me: 'Life is hard to bear'..but do not pretend to be so sensitive! We are all of us pretty sturdy asses and she-asses..
what do we have in common with the rosebud, which trembles because a drop of dew lies on its body?

It is true: we love life, not because we are used to living, but because we are used to loving.
And even to me, as one who is fond of life, it seems that butterflies and soap-bubbles, and whatever is like them among humans, know the most about happiness.

I should only believe in a God who knew how to dance.."

F. Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra
man, Nietzsche is cool!

morning..

wanna do brunch?

oh, that's my wind chime.
morning, wind chime..wanna do brunch..
i feel lonely today..and homesick..
blah..
I HATE sundays! i'm going shopping.

"Three Times" 's a charm!

1911- A time for Freedom

Taiwanese music, no dialogue, a few intertitles here and there reminiscent of silent movies..expressions and glances are worth a thousand words. Set in Taiwan before its independence from Japan, not a time for love.

1966- A time for Love

Amazing music, a few words spoken, and although everyday life's constraints make it hard for them to meet, they're able to connect and actually share magnificent few moments together. I loved the letters he sends and the last scene under the rain.

2005- A time for youth

So many communication tools (email, cell phones, text messaging, blogs, digital cameras..), so little communication.

Qi Shu looks gorgeous especially in this last part.

singsong

yey! just submitted my paper-AGAIN.
you know how you start laughing uncontrollably sometimes?
a little giggle at first.
another two- heheheeeeee
then you cant stay standing and ur holding urself in pain?
that's me today.
so annoyingly happy (happy people annoy me usually, and i'm gonna be one of them- just for today, at least till it gets rejected-AGAIN)

Insomnia (part II)

Revenge of the Sleeping Pill

Silk..

i think about him, every now and then..and it makes me smile. this is one relationship where i can not think of anything i would have changed. not the way we met, nor the way we parted. it was magical,all of it, as if from a movie. not surprising, since this is how we met- at a movie theatre.i watch a lot of movies by myself, and so does he. several movies later, we found ourselves face to face, and ended up having midnight coffee, something which i, an insomniac, would never have done, unless hypnotized. the mood was set: endless journeys with Wong Kar Wai, Almodovar, Miyazaki, Baricco... and good wine.

it had to end though. we were from two different worlds, delightfully converging, creating, connecting. and all along the driving force was the certainty of diverging. no expectations, living in and for the moment.

i googled him today (actually, the train of thought went like this: "woww!!! Neil Gaiman has a blog! I'm totally bookmarking it-->he introduced me to Neil Gaiman--> where is he?"). he won a prize recently for his role in preserving the architectural heritage of Montreal,I was so happy for him. I wanted to congratulate him. so I decided to email him. I pasted his email address in the "To" section. and i froze. i had nothing to say. "hi, how are you?i googled you and-" no. "it's been a while, how have you been? i heard from my good friend Google that-" No!. for all i know he might be married with kids. and why would i allow myself to enter his life just like that out of the blues only because I woke up today and remembered him? No..it was more than that. I want to preserve the magic, I did not want it to get mixed up with real life chit chat. so I closed the message window, landed on earth, and googled " recipes for oil-based pasta sauces"..

my lovely..

first of all, i've finally settled on blue (for now). i'm a blue kind of girl i think, i feel this is me. i'm comfortable now and can go on with my life.

second, i just bought my first digital camera over the weekend (i'm so in love with it i have been dreaming about it for months, i take it everywhere and use it all the time and it's getting to the point where i might be losing all my friends by the end of the week)..SO, if you see a lot of wierd-bad-out of the blue pictures, please understand.

ok, back to the point. This is my angel, I call her Sofia. She lives next to the Fine Arts museum and I pass by her everyday on my way to the lab. To me she is more alive than so many people walking around. She's tender, beautiful, thoughtful, and loving. She reminds me of the goodness in this world. (fine, she has big toes, but who's perfect?)

In the winter, she and her baby are covered with a bright white snow blanket..and they look so warm. so peaceful.

In the summer, she has a different flower on her hair everyday. People actually buy her flowers. Tulips in spring. Straw hats and flower necklaces in the summer.

Oh, and I had a great weekend. Learned a lesson, set things straight, saved a friend, and loved another.

written by "anonymous"..

Memories of happiness…

I found looking into childish eyes
that danced with laughter
Smiling lips that shared happiness and joy

A life ahead a sad guy sat,
across this smile caught by his eyes.
Her hand on his face,
the touch of a gentle loving heart,
caring in an honest way.
A brilliant grown up mind
but still within the playful child


Touching memories that will long linger,
like collected dreams in a scrapbook, for me to carry
traces of your being on a road which is long and
became narrow so only one must walk alone.
Not knowing where this trail will lead.

Was it you who smiled at me ?

upon listening to the news..

i was just wondering,
how do astronauts go to the washroom?
and what if a boy astronaut and a girl astronaut are stuck up there in their little spaceship for 6 months, do they do 'stuff'? are they even allowed to? do they give them something so that they don't do anything?
they must be a bit screwed up when they're back, no? i mean months and months in the same place with 2 or 3 people max??
don't look it up (i could have done that)!

A postcard for you

k: don't forget me.
l: I won't..and..thank you.
k: for what?
l: for coloring my days, with butterflies and drops of sun.

Insomnia

fell asleep at the crack of dawn, wishing i was there.
thinking of you, why don't i "see" you anymore..

a good life

I once thought I will never day dream on these hammocks again.
I thought I will not lay on the grass and smell the rain again.
But I did make it to the hammock with a childish smile on my face.in the summer.
and sooner than i think i might pass my fingers through the wet grass and smell my village earth after the rain.
how would you feel, if you realize that you might not stroll through the paths of your life as freely as you used to, back in the days when you thought it will never end?
when i was told, i wanted to eat "janerek", I hadn't had them for years. But it was the summertime. I wasn't sad though, I could still taste them, in my mind.
The only sadness I felt was for the people who loved me.
But to me, I was content. really, i wouldn't have changed a thing.

Revolution of the Egg

I hope they get what they want..soon!

in love again..

i want the world to know that i'm in love. with my massotherapist.
she brings joy to my life, and takes away the pain.

it all started when my previous relationship ended abruptly
him (my physiotherapist): laila, let's face it, you don't need me anymore
me: oh but i do, i do...
him: you're free, fly away, and maybe one day you will find someone else (you should try massages for a while).
me: if this is what you want (massages?? cool!), ok.

so now we're together, i wait endlessly till we meet again (1 down, 13 to go).
she touches me like no man/woman has ever touched me before,
and i fall asleep "under" her arms (better than all sleeping pills i've tried).

i'm in love, i'm all shook up...

fury!!

i thought it was best to lock myself at home tonight.
i am SO PISSED OFF. why? i have NO idea. and this pisses me off even more.
my heart rate is going crazy and my body temperature is very very annoying.
i woke up and suddenly everything is pissing me off.

i didn't realize it till i got to the lab, but also everyone was pissing me off. all i felt was people's negativity, which has always been there but it doesn't affect me usually. i just wanted to walk around invisible and hoped that no-one would stop me or small talk me cos i would just freeze on them or start screaming or crying of rage or if i totally let myself go i would have the pleasure of pulling their heads away from their bodies. even the thought cools me off a bit.

and then people are just talking about civil "issues" in my lebanon as if they're talking about a new sushi shop that might be opening at the corner. just leave it alone! let it be, please, just back off.

i mean normally i try to control my aggressive behavior (which was really out of control a couples of yrs ago before i decided to take action because i was "scaring" some people..).
but not today. maybe it's my hormones, i really think these guys control a LOT of things.
i want to go to bed and disappear.

today I feel...

thankful (and exhausted).

- for having loving parents who sacrificed their happiness for their kids
- for the most beautiful boy and girl who happen to be my younger brother and sister. i miss you guys!
- for being able to eat raspberries and strawberries whenever i feel like it
- for being alive after being told that i might not be
- for the coolest chemist/friend/nutcase/sophisticated cousin in the world
- for the most amazing friends anyone can ask for (no, you are not on the list!)
- for finally getting a clue of what i might be wanting to do with my life
- for an unusual encounter that turned out to be much more pleasant than i expected
- for realizing that i should be thankful

ok enough rambling
got to go for tea now with the girls.