Les Poupees Russes

i don't believe in "the one love".

i don't believe there's only one person you're meant to be with.

i believe that when the right person is at the right place at the right time, things will fall into place and people may fall into "love". or "like", or "comfort", or "lust"..

i "loooooove" unwrapping those dolls, slowly moving from the biggest one to the next. we have some at home in lebanon, in my sister's room, and i often play with them when there's no one around (i'm the eldest and most mature..yup..)..it's sooo exciting (kantaro, did you do that too?). Each is so colorful and unique in its own way. and there's no favorite (well maybe the hottest most recent one, the newly discovered), they're all special. it's just that the impact of the first one is the greatest, and as you move on, things get more familiar, smoother, but still interesting, and more creative. and i keep on wishing that i'm gonna find a smaller one, and one more and one more..

" i love you...i've always loved you...". please.

birthday prayer

take my eyes. i dont need them.
anything for you. anything.
if i had one wish i would give you everything i am, everything i love.
my world i would change for you.
my life i would end for you.
a little prayer i say for you. yesterday, today, and everyday.

mentiras..

stop.
stop torturing me.
they hurt me, your lies.
they makes me sick, your lies.
they make my body ache.
they make my stomach hurt, my bones hurt.
i wish i couldn't tell. I wish i thought you were true.
i wish i don't sense your pauses when we talk.
i wish i miss your eyes avoiding mine.
but i know. I KNOW.
sadness. fury. that's what you give me.
disappointment. shame. for you.
i wish i could scream them away. sleep them away. wash them away.
filthy little lies. under my skin.

time to go.seriously.

it has always been a great idea, but i think that now it's really truly desperately time that lahoud stepped down, inno khalas it's getting to a point where it's really quite embarrassing for all parties involved.

even condi, sweet condi, made sure not to go over and hang out with him this time.

i was surprised to see pictures of her only with the hariri-jumblat "couple of the year", and with Sfeir.

and berri looked soooo happy in his pics, he can't wait to take condi out for skiing in Chebaa.

metamorphosis

i can't remember the last time i missed you.
i can't remember the last time my heart stopped when i thought of you.
i can't remember how you smelled.
i can't relive the intensity of our closeness.
i can't recall how your voice took my breath away.
i can't remember the truth in your eyes.
i can't remember my longing for you for many many days.
i miss missing you.
i miss loving you.
i miss the pain and the tears.
i miss me with you.

Dreams

i'm at the airport, ofcourse the plane is one and a half hours late, there's a really cute guy playing sudoku next to me, it's so cool i'm writing about him and he has no idea. i cant wait to get back home, (he put the game away now and he's having a sip of water...very slowly..) anyway, i got both job offers, and i know which one i'm accepting. i suspected it the moment i applied to that lab.
i suspected it the day i found out that she's opening her own lab.
i suspected it the moment i read her last name as a first author of that mol cell paper (stopped drinking,what is he doing??, i can't look directly at him cos then i'll have to turn my head to the right so i'll be totally busted. ohhhh he picked up the newspaper again-BORING!)
i swear i'm not kidding, and g. knows that. the name catches my attention whenever i hear it or read it or meet someone who owns it. there's something about it.
he's taking off his jacket now oh my GOD and talking to himself.. i think he's swearing cos the plane is late, back to the newspaper, now i looked since he has the newspaper hiding his eyes-i hope!- oh and no ring. oh come on, you all check for rings).
so i'm moving again, that's so so sad. i can't do this again. leaving lebanon was such a traumatizing experience (i remember crying so hard endlessly in my empty apartment night after night, the worst is when i cried in front of the mirror in the washroom after looking at myself and realizing how horribly miserable i looked). now i have to leave this amazing city which softly sculpted me through so many rough and awful and cold and hot times.
i've fallen on its sidewalks too many times it's just gotten too personal.
it lovingly hosted so many extraordinary moments of my life.
(he's not reading anymore, i think he's looking at me and admiring my beauty)

shit that woman just said that our plane is coming from ottawa at 8:47 and they're gonna try to "turn it around" as soon as possible. TURN IT AROUND?? what does that mean?? hello?? i guess it means turn it around to MTL direction?
he's on the phone, ahhh he has a gf?, oh that was short. hmmm..
another phone call. he's french canadian.he's talking about the olympics i guess to his buddy.hold.
another call. "hello. hello?" lower voice i guess its the gf. ohhhhh he has KIDS. "are they asleep or still running around? it's only 8:10 what do you expect?"

"I want more, impossible to ignore
Impossible to ignore
They’ll come true, impossible not to do
impossible not to do"

Cranberries

leavin' on a jetplane

another journey into the unknown. not really, i've been there twice, love it!

i should be preparing and reading, and practicing my presentation right now, but i just can't.

i'm indifferent. i don't really care whether they take me or not. i mean i'll be disappointed if one or both labs say thanks but no thanks, but it's not like i stress out or hyperventilate when i imagine the possibility. i used to, but i dont anymore.

i wonder why. right now i'm exhausted and sleepy, and have to wake up at 5 am, i hate that. could be it. or it might be the stress of the end of the "student life" haven, facing real life, and with it come real responsibilities and real unkowns and moving and leaving ur friends and having to make new friends. now i'm hyperventilating. but this is supposed to be exciting!!

all i'm excited about is buying that digital camera i have my eyes on, and meeting some people i haven't seen for a while, and i love boston bagels.

u can wish me luck if you want to.. or not. whatever.

don't miss me too much..

"don't know when i'll be back again.."

el primero beso

2046

" Everyone who goes to 2046 has the same intention, they want to recapture lost memories. Because in 2046, nothing ever changes. But, nobody knows if that is true or not because no-one has ever come back"..

This is the sequel of Wong Kar Wai's In the Mood for Love, another masterpiece. I watched it yesterday and i cant get it out of my mind. the same happens when i watch in the mood for love over and over.
both movies are set in the sixties, between hongkong and singapore. the colors are magnificent, but mostly the music, violin. sad violin. it takes you away to a world of..."slow motion", raw emotion and nothing else.
we live our days hoping to forget them, and at night they creep in with no intention to leave. memories.

"Behind every memory, there are traces of tears"

2046 is the room number where they used to meet. then she left.

He is a writer. now 2046 is the title of a book. In his book, a mysterious train left for 2046 every once in a while. so many women want to be with him. he makes love to them.

"I once fell in love with someone. I couldn't stop wondering if she loved me back. I found an android which looked just like her. I hoped she would give me the answer"

very cool futuristic scenes here.. the women/"androids" are just gorgeous.

and the violin.

listen to it. see it.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

you say we've got nothing in common..
no common grounds to start from..
and we're falling apart..

How important are common grounds? are we better off with people that are so similar to us in temperament and character, or do opposites really attract in this case?

How about culture? different cultures clash all the time, but do they ruin relationships or nurture them? do you prefer going out with someone of the same or different culture, why? how about spending the rest of your life and starting your little breed of culture-mix??

and i said "what about Breakfast at Tiffany's"
she said "i think i remember the film..
and as i recall i think we both kinda liked it"
and i said "well that's one thing we've got"..

(inspired by Apricot)

G. wrote..

do we ever stop loving after falling in love? they say love changes from passion to comfort to too much care and respect, why should it be so unstable? and if things in nature tend towards stability is the last part of love what love really is and is passion just the trigger? then why do we always seek the passion and feel agitated when it goes away ? does the stability of our feelings reside in the instability of love, passion?

what's up with spitting in this city?

i can't take it anymore.and i think it's getting worse!

you go out hoping to take a breath of fresh air and check out cute guys while ur walking to work..or on your way for a date wearing ur new italian-made gorgeous shoes.. but no, you have to stare at your feet the whole way because there's a spill of spit every few cms, you move to the right to avoid the one on your left but before you know it ur on the left, right, middle, street, right again..and the guy behind you is starting to get pissed off he has no idea what's ur problem (is she high? this early??? shame on these kids..). the next thing you know u have to close your eyes because a guy coming ur way is doing the "aaakhhhhhhh.." sound and ready to fire. so you close ur eyes and you stop breathing (if ur a germophobe like me) and you concentrate all ur efforts on making it safely spit-free to the next block.

hello??? go spit at home!! what's next, WC duties-turned public?? this has to stop and it has to stop now!

i know you might not believe the next thing i'm gonna tell u, but it did happen. i was on my way to have my favorite breakfast of toasted sesame bagel with tons of cream cheese (one of my few sources of happiness that i'm gonna have to decrease cos it's sooo inflammatory) from the foubourg really early in the morning . there was a cute girl walking in front of me, no evil spitters in sight..so i was feeling very dreamy with my music "still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed.." and the sun was shining and i had my prada sunglasses on... "it's such a perfect day...i'm glad i spent it with you.." and suddenly "khhhhhhhhhhhh...tfouuuuuu". horror!! i did NOT see it coming, where is it coming from? it was her!! and how that pretty thing has such evil in her remains a mystery to me. people, they're all over the place, they're taking over, we've got to do something!

so here's my question for you: is this a montreal-specific phenotype, or is it canada-specific? or is it a worldwide pandemic and we must alert the UN?

things...thingies...stuff...

i'm in love with my crappy apartment, my bed and lazy chair, and my laptop and cooking pans..and my 10-yr old hairbrush. and my gorgeous tops. oh and my books i just can't even lend one without feeling a part of me has left! and my kaleidoscope (hand-made and gift from GM, yes i still have it!).
but most of all i love our house back home, i think he's the prettiest thing i've seen..i wish i had a picture so i can show you how sweet he (my house) is. (i don't think he's a she).
the thing is..i think the feeling is mutual. i mean i think things have feelings too! i have 2 toothbrushes and i hate to say that i like one more than the other but i do..and everytime i use the pretty one i feel as if the other one is so sad so i stop and switch so i can sleep at night!! umm, you guys feel that sometimes no?? you do?? i don't need medication, right?
what is it that keeps us longing for things? is it the memories that stick with them, or the comfort of familiarity? why is it so hard to let go of them, are we afraid that our memories will fail us one day and with each lost memory is a dying moment?
i'm pretty sure i have a dysfunctional memory, i mean seriously, my friends have to remind me about some pretty significant personal stuff that happened to me only a couple of years ago! and i'm always so amazed "what? did she actually do that? to me?? after all we've been through..", "oh, how sweet, i can't believe he did that, i should call him.."...and let's not go into birthdays and other people's issues, that's why gossiping with the girls is always so much fun, i'm amazed over and over at the same peice of news! looking on the bright side however, i rarely spill the beans cos i can't remember that there are beans to spill. but on the other hand, i always get in trouble when i remember the beans cos i forget that they shouldn't be spilled..

imagine me and you..

i do..i think about u day and night it's only right..

when you're " in love", are your feelings all about the imperfect creature in front of you, or is it simply an infatuation with the idea this person leaves in your head?

i was in love once, the type of love that actually hurts physically because there's too much of it. and i thought if only he could see how perfect we can be..in my head..

then i turned my face away for a while, but always had the urge to look back at my perfect love..

then i decided to look again. why, you ask me? i still had that perfection in my head attached to him. i was not in love with the person, but with the idea of him in my head. he was lovely in my head! the next thing you know i'm with him and i'm like "ok he's really nice and all, but where's my guy??"

and i'm still doing it! i had my first blind date yesterday. i had already analyzed his character, figured our his pros and cons, and made up great conclusions about his personality!! all in all he was a fine guy.

he actually was a fine guy, but haven't i known that already? do i think that he actually is a fine guy because he really is a fine guy or because i want him to be a fine guy since in my head, he is..? yes i'm very disturbed.

the only one for me is you.. and you for me..we're happyyyyyyy togetheeeeer..

the movie's really good actually..

God bless you, Mr. Vonnegut

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,923-2021940,00.html

would you??

I had the shock of my life today, and if you know me you would know that when i get shocked i stay in "shock mode" for a while, and i can't rest until i let it alllllll out.

Apparently, a friend of mine and a few of his friends think it's a good idea to practice "online marriage". Basically, it seems there are websites especially designed for foreigners to contact gorgeous young ladies (and i stress gorgeous and young) from eastern europe for the purpose of marriage in exchange for a few thousand dollars. According to the "buyer", the girls do not get any money, but the agency does. According to my friend, who seems to be fed up from the women of his western european (presumably quite modern!) country as being "too independent" and for having "an attitude problem", he prefers to marry someone who (and i quote) "would appreciate more what he has to offer, and would not pack up and leave as soon as the riding gets rough". My friend and his friends think that it is a perfectly okay and modern way to meet people (young and gorgeous), and they actually feel that they are social caretakers since they will be helping the people in need in poor eastern european countries, and at the same time finding a nice girl (gorgeous and young) to fall in love with, marry, and be merry.

I think not. I was critisized as fairly judgemental when i called this love story a "business transaction". Well isn't it? isn't the guy going online, browsing a catalog of the merchandise, picking a few that are of his taste, trying them out for a few months (they get 3 months to get to know the loves of their lives), then finally picking one to be for happliy ever after. Oh and before i forget, paying a few thousand dollars to close the deal.

I have utmost respect for those women. If I were them I may have done the same thing. I may have taken any opportunity to get me out of that hole and into a place where i and my family back home can live a better life.

But how will this ever result in a healthy union?! it's a business transaction for God's sake! after the lovey dovey era is over (2 yrs max), all is left is the differences in culture and social standards and dreams and background and interests and values. and one day while they're having a heated arguement he wouldn't help but blurt out that it was him who brought her there and that's what matters and end of story.

I wonder, isn't this the whole point of this transaction? the feeling of power? isn't this exactly what my friend and his friends are pissed off at, that women these days can stand up and leave when they have had enough because they can. and these are the europeans who are still thinking this way! they feel better when the woman comes in a package with submissive feelings , because without him , she would still be back there and not here where he is, sleeping in his house, and living his life.

what do you think? would you do it?

perfect sunset

I took this picture 2 years ago when i was back home for a summer break. i didn't really appreciate the moment until it was lost. i never thought about driving up to ehden and actually "wasting" a few hours (could have talked, ate, studied, slept instead!) to watch the sunset when it was an hour away from my place..but isn't it just majestic?

why do we keep on forgetting to savor the moments? why is it that we choose to believe that we will be around forever..why is it so hard to say those words I always wanted to say but just couldn't, to finally apologize for the pain, to finally talk about the huge pink elephant that is standing in the middle of the room? is it because we think well, i'll do it next time...later...is it the pain of confrontation, humiliation, discomfort?

i think that happiness is a moment that passes by in a blink of an eye, i know because i've felt it, and before you realize what just happened it's already gone..so just keep your eyes open, and let's enjoy the sunset while it lasts.