yesterday today and tomorrow

wake up
i dont want to
check email
make coffee mmm its amazing
look outside-it's sunny today-so what
think for you
mederma on scar
get dressed- the usual-blue jeans black shirt
surprisingly not sick of those jeans they look good
check blogs- that one is like a movie
books-molecular biology of the cell or developmental biol? no mol biol is too heavy
cant forget my pen this time- the one i stole last time we met-it smells good
iPOD on-wake up and smell the coffee
sunglasses on-no eye contact please
library-kids happy kids gorgeous kids-what am i doing here
check time
read
you again
check time
lunch- alone- you
how does the nueral tube form again- shit i just read that- fuck
check email- what's wrong with her she's too hyper
library
check time
dream of you in a song- smile- i miss you and i know that its impossible how can i miss you when i dont even
check time
check time
walk home- happy people
i keep thinking of how it would be with you how stupid am i
close my apartment door, NOW i'm good
turn music on- celia cruz
should go dancing soon release it all
what am i defending exactly?
must find a way to memorize those structures
check email
check blogs- this one is like the dream i'll never have, that one is just too much
dinner? there's olives but no bread
phone
blog
phone
chat
sex and the city-i think i'm miranda
phone
shower- close my eyes and let go now i'm happy
i'm in love with my moisturizer
mederma on scar
try to sleep
cant
dont think of her now
cant
try
think of him
cant
he haunts me
only half a pill today
tomorrow i'll try without
ok
ok
wake up

The world is freakin' tiny

or is it just a Lebanese thing?

I mean it happened before, but I must say this just tops it all.

and the thing is, I wasn't even trying!

Really, if you would like to know what happened to that old friend of yours, or if you're curious as to someone's whereabouts, all you need to do is mention their name randomly and you'll get wayyyy more than you asked for. it may just as well be that the person you just mentioned happens to be hanging out in the same room with the person you're talking to.

I'm sure you guys have a few serendipities of your own.

It's not funny.

It's funny.

(koura-Tripoli, Lebanon)

runaway train

can you help me remember how to smile

make it somehow all seem worthwhile

what? no no i aint goin' anywhere..

who am I kidding
my little break is officially over before it even began
what can I say..great people make great decisions and actually stick to them

dance me to a blog break (maybe?)

(Madeleine Peyroux, a variation of Cohen's Dance me to the end of love)

as long as it lasts..

but knowing me I'll probably be back very soon..my serious decisions are often over-ridden due to sudden urges to share something.

(and I have no idea why I'm into trees these days..but this one seems like such a good dancer)

I'm exhausted

It's official

I'm losing my brain cells

um..well...when I wrote that post before, the one that I already deleted, I was having one of my neurologically imbalanced "seizures", but it's over now, and therefore I retract my statements..

the truth is that i am a completely overworked, totally sleep-deprived, and a very very anxious human being. I'm supposed to defend in 3 weeks. stand up there convince people of why the past 4.5 years of my life were not a complete waste of time.

and so here's the problem:

on the right is a picture showing normal neurons with extended axons which will form synapses and transmit signals from the brain to the body

on the left are abnormal neurons lacking synapses, and these my friends, would be mine

Montreal, this morning..

"the sun will come out
tomorrow
bet your bottom dollar
that tomorrow..."

it's 8 degrees C, but hey, it did stop raining!

(stainless steel man, other men, and a cow, Fine Arts)

perspective

a quick and dirty google search

only in the past week, and only due to violence

13 killed in Bombing at Baghdad restaurant- 1 hour ago

Two killed in Gaza's Palestinian security HQ blast- 18 hours ago

19 people die in Baghdad bombing- 20 May 2006

Over 200 people killed in Afghan violence- 19 May 2006

11 people killed in Darfur this week, according to UN- 17 May 2006

Suicide bombing kills seven in southern Russia- 17 May 2006

Five people killed in new Somali attacks- 17 May 2006

Seven people killed in act of terror in Ingushetia- 17 May 2006

Bombing, Gunfire in Baghdad Leave 19 Dead- 16 May 2006

Four people killed, terrorist suspect captured in Iraq- 16 May 2006

41 people killed in attacks across Iraq- 15 May 2006

Almost 80 people killed in Brazil gang violence- 15 May 2006

30 people killed in six bombings in Baghdad- 14 May 2006

30 people killed in attacks on police in Brazil- 14 May 2006

total: 468

yeah.next blog.

...

its raining
I listen to your window pane

i watch you while you sleep
run my finger down your forehead, your nose, your lips

you light your cigarette
and smile at me through the smoke
carelessly stroking my hair

you leave without an umbrella
i feel the cold
i hug your sheets
and lay my head on your pillow

an empty apartment
your canvas
your books
and me

Why cant I be at Cannes??!!

do you think they might need one more waitress? a janitor? a dishwasher? a lawn mower?

anything???

pic: Kar Wai (president of jury for feature films this year) and Elia Suleiman (jury member) stolen from festival webpage

In the mood for..hot soup

and some uniflu :(

pic: maggie cheung In the Mood for Love
music: Umebayashi Shigeru- Yumeji's theme

thank you

Dear anonymous,

Thank you for slipping those 11 Janereks through my door this afternoon.

This was a wonderful surprise, I couldnt believe it!
you don't know how much I needed this today, it's still raining, I have a horrible cold, I'm feeling down and drowning in my usual melancholy.

I tried to follow you and reveal your identity but you were too fast.

I think I know who you are, and if I'm right then you'll be reading this. but then again, with my dysfunctional brain these days..I'm probably wrong.

you disappeared like crazy down the stairway, next time stay for a while and I will cook dinner.

I ate them all already, one by one, very slowly..and they're delicious.

So this is to tell you that I would like some more, same time same place :)

yours,

laila

a bit about me

i love black.
i'm a city girl.
i hate airplanes.
i dont wear heels.
I love watching people.
i love sushi.
i hate injustice.
i was raised in a small village.
i've watched 9 movies in one session.
i hate hypocrisy.
i can't share a bed.
i hate eggplant.
i have 3 scars.
i take a really hot shower when i'm angry.
i absolutely can't draw.
i can smell menopause pheromones.
i love dim rooms.
i still dream of the man of my life.
i am a realist.
i can be jealous.
i snore when i'm tired.
i cant stand arrogance.
i love shoes and tops.
i love creme brulee.
i make yummy chocolate cake.
i cant cook meat.
i adore real men.
i've never been to italy.
i love kahlua.
i'm addicted to olives.
my family is my weakness.
i'm afraid of dying.
i'm a dreamer.
babies make me sad.
i don't like big lips on a man.
i can dance.
i cant memorize.
i hate goat cheese.
i love McDonalds fries.
i dont have huge dreams.
i'm a kid on the inside.
i'm a bitch on the outside.
i get bored very easily.
i used to be a big liar.
i'm addicted to raspberries.
i despise cheap people.
i prefer to hurt than to lie.
i'm agnostic.
i love dark chocolate.
i love german white wine.
i'm a good listener.
i read the last page of a book when i'm still at the beginning.
i try never to judge.
i love cream cheese.
i'm not impressed easily.
i dont have pets.
i often find myself "in love" with two men at the same time.
i swear too much.
i smoke occasionally.
i think men are purer than women.
i believe that to live is to suffer.
superficial people make me sick.
i love tulips.
i hate blind followers of social and religious norms.
i've cheated more than once.
i dont feel guilty about it.
i love massages.
i have love handles.
i love girls' nights out.
i cry alone.
i loathe the concept of the necessity of marriage for a woman to be happy yet i check out wedding dresses.
i believe that only a young revolution can save my country.
i've suffered so much physical pain that i considered giving up.
saying more is not a great idea.

ceejeh?

for M.

Sunday thought

"It is the responsibility of intellectuals to take dissident positions, privilege confers opportunity and opportunity means obligation." Chomsky

did you know that Ahmadinejad's "Israel must be wiped off the map" statement is a rediculously physically-impossible equation?

did you know that for people (nations) to co-exist under the same roof (sky) they need to smile in the morning, or else everyone will have a shitty day and dread coming home in the evening? or that they might even start destroying the furniture in one of their routine rage fits?

did you know how many amazing Isaeli bloggers are out there? people just like us, all they want is peace and quiet, a "normal" life so to speak

and did you know that so much communication and rational discussions are going on between Arab and Israeli bloggers? between Syrian and Lebanese bloggers? and that if this evolved and expanded we might actually have a chance to co-exist in the not so distant future?

We do co-exist and will indefinitely co-exist , these are the facts. The sooner we accept them the sooner we can start working on ways to live with them.

call me naive, call me ignorant, even a traitor. all I want is to come back home and have a peaceful evening. it's the easiest thing to be a cynic, to brush off and mock an idea because it's too unfamiliar and uncomfortable. and it's the hardest but most amazing thing to envision a reality that is seemingly out of reach.

for you

back in the days when we were still kids nothing in the world could keep us apart
we bathed ate slept got grounded together
we laughed until we peed our pants, right there on the street in the middle of the village
the more we laughed the more we peed the more we laughed

and now, I can't seem to make you laugh anymore
and I hate it
I tell myself shit happens get over it
but it sucks
I really miss you

(you and I, Deir el Nourieh, not so long ago)

ayahuasca

"Hoasca (Ayahuasca) is a hallucinogenic concoction of potent psychoactive plants that are indigenous to the Amazon basin of South America.Ayahuasca is used in largely as a religious sacrament, no matter which culture it is associated with. Those who use ayahuasca in non-traditional contexts often align themselves with the philosophies or outlook of shamanic ayahuasca traditions. This includes citizens of modern Western countries, who put their faith beyond the restricting laws of their governments.

A diet is almost always followed before use, including a day of fasting, to rid the body of tyramines and other contraindicated chemicals; a "dieta" is often followed as well, to spiritually cleanse the body before and after the experience.

Several notable celebrities have publicly discussed their use of ayahuasca, including Sting, Tori Amos, and Paul Simon (who wrote the song Spirit Voices about his experience with the brew in the Amazon)"

The first time I heard of ayahuasca happened during a conversation with a real-estate agent in his car, on a rainy morning in downtown Boston..
- so, what did you do in Montreal
- biochem..

- seriously?

- yeah..i know..

- no seriously?? so you must definitely know ayahuasca

- aya-who?

- it's a tea that we drink, originated in Brazil..and it attaches itself to your brain cells in some
biochemical way..that's why I asked you

- aha..and..what does it do?

- it shows you heaven

- haha cool

- it's not funny

- oh

- it heals

- ok..so it's a hallucinogen

- no not really..it's legal everywhere even here in the states, and God created it at the beginning of time, to give us a taste of heaven so that we can make the right decisions in this life

- but how is it so different from pot for example, I mean how can you know it's a special creation

- because God told me

- oh did he (stop the car now)

- yes. before I met my brothers and sisters I was such a messed up kid, filled with anger. then I joined this church, I started to drink ayahuasca, almost everyday, and I saw God I talked to him, he talked to me,I saw heaven.I still get tears in my eyes when I talk about it

- ok (he's really tearing up, think think think fast fast fast where's my cell phone)..so how does God look like

- he's not a person you know (really?!).. he came to me as a bright white light and talked to me through telepathy

- yeah that's what happens when you're high

- we dont get high, all of us wear white and we drink this tea till early morning and we love each other..my brothers and sisters..

- (oh brother!) so...are we there yet??

- yeah we're almost there, you'll love it it's so cozy

- (I need ayahuasca NOW!)

anyway he turned out to be a real nice guy, and the apartment turned out to be too too cozy for my taste.. now I too want ayahuasca..any "brothers and sisters" who'd care to join me?

(pic: http://www.udv.org.br/)

suffocating

I can't breath
I'm suffocating
My life is meaningless. what am I doing here?
everyday I'm stuck doing things I hate, being around people I can't stand. unable to say what I really feel. ignoring what I really crave.
I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of all the morons in my life. just leave me alone. fuck off. you bore me, you get on my nerves. no you're not funny nor sexy nor intelligent.
I'm sick of living in this society where everything depends on how much you make how you dress what you buy how you look. how about who you are how you feel what you do what you want? has it gone extinct?
I dont even feel like blogging anymore, I was so close to deleting my blog just now. I mean who cares about what I have to say? it's all garbage. people have their own shit to worry about.

I just want to sleep and wake up and realize that this is all a bad dream.

I want to be 2 years ahead. I want to have a decent job and I want to finally be able to afford things I enjoy.

I want to be with someone I miss. someone I cant wait to see again. Instead everyone I meet bores me. Instead I sit here and dream.

I day dream ALL THE TIME.

I cant stand it anymore.

I'm leaving.

pause

back in a few days

mi casa, donde estas?

I left my home. found a new one. now I'm moving on to another.
i'm confused. where's home? i mean what (or who?) defines home anyway? I dont even know where I'll be in 3 years. So Lebanon was and still is home, and Montreal does feel like home too, and now Boston will probably feel like one...is this normal?
and the thing is, I really dont mind that at all, in fact I cringe at the idea of finally having to settle in one place..for good? very scary. i dont think i can do that. how gloomy is that?

so why do I keep longing for home then?

I love this house, one of my favorite memories of Cuba
doesn't it just feel like home?

kaleidoscope

i'm sick of looking at the outside
its ugly
it smells of nothing
it tastes like nothing
i want to tear your clothes off and see all what's inside
i want to know your colors
i want to touch your anger
i want to make love to your pain

(my kaleidoscope, gift from gus)

happy birthday my darling.

I drive you to the airport. you are leaving again.
I make you laugh at my little stories.
you hum Wadee3 El Safi.
I glance at you. I am 10 again.
you tell me you're taking the fig branch. you know where you'll plant it. you have reserved a spot for it and protected it with metal railings and a "no parking" sign. you will watch it grow from your office window. I laugh at you. Later you will send me pictures and the tears will finally run as I remember how painful it is to miss you.

you tell me the figs are delicious, they remind you of the village.
you tell me you will retire in 3 years. you tell me that every year.
you say you dream about the day when you'll be back, to the playground you left too early.

I hate the times we're in because your dreams are still dreams.

We're there. As usual, I lose my voice.
I look away. I help you with your bags.
I wish you a safe trip.
I wish you would never leave.
I still cry after you go. I am 10 again.

dad, I adore you. I dont think I will ever tell you. I cant.

I thank you. for reminding me to be real and fair. for teaching me to love big and to dream big. for the letters you used to send me. for your spirituality, for your standards, for your sacrifices.

happy birthday, I still believe you will live forever. with you I will always be ten.

loul.

Free Zone

3 women. A Palastenian (Hiam Abbass, Leila), a Jewish American (Natalie Portman, Rebecca), and an Israeli (Hana Lazslo, Hanna). Their paths converge as each one of them fights for survival in the land they all want to call home. Amazing performance by Lazslo and Abbass, the former won best actress at Cannes in 2005.

Not much happens in the movie, which basically revolves around Hanna, a taxi driver and a car-dealer (she and her husband sell ammo cars in the free zone, to the Palastenians! "we all want to survive, the only thing that is sure in Israel is the Intifada and the war "), on a cross-border trip to Jordan to meet Leila, who supposedly should have available the money owed to Hanna. Rebecca has just broken up with her fiancee and would do anything to run away from a country she once thought she belonged in, from ideals she once believed in and can no longer find, so she begs Hanna to take her along.

The best scene in my opinion is definitely the last one. Leila doesn't have the money, she's trying to explain to Hanna in Arabic. Hanna, in Hebrew, insists that Leila has the money in her bag and that she should hand it to her immediately. This goes on FOREVER, each getting edgier and angrier by the second, and the arguement is going no where (ring a bell??). In the meantime Rebecca grabs her American passport and flees away from the car towards Jordan, she does not look back.

People in general found the movie never-ending, frustrating and dense. and I think that's exactly what Gitai wanted to convey. The lack of communication, the need to survive, and the desperation in people's lives.

Leila: "You know, I think it's really important to understand the language of your enemy. It's a pity Israelis don't speak Arabic like Palestinians speak Hebrew. If they do, I think things will change".

Hanna: "I speak Arabic, I speak English, what language are you speaking ?"

Through all of this though, I sensed a spark of hope, in the scene where all three of the women are humming and swaying to the same tune..