aloneness
warning: sentimental post ahead
when i look back at my childhood, i mainly sense "aloneness", not loneliness.
still, Totoro and Future Boy Conan are among my favorite movies..yes i tear up when i watch them, but still..i watch them. maybe it's because they're not really real? or am i making up for lost time?
i dont know how or when it started. all i know is that for the longest time i have been refusing to watch dramas involving young actors. little girls in particular. i remember this movie about a girl in New zealand, Whale Rider i think it was called.I really wanted to see it but i didnt. yesterday i rented a movie that someone has recommended, and as it turned out it was about this little girl's experience in a country where she will always be treated a foreigner. from the very beginning, I could sense her sadness and loneliness.
when i look back at my childhood, i mainly sense "aloneness", not loneliness.
aloneness.
despite the fact that i had no reason whatsoever to be so. i have a wonderful family..it was a very "normal" period. it's just that the memories that resurface are of moments where i see myself isolated, observing people from a distance. and thinking.
sad thoughts and sad faces linger.
death.
sometimes i accidentally glance at pictures and i have to look away, as if i cant face her. as if i feel sorry for her, as if i understand, and there's nothing i can do about it because its too late. too late maybe to give her peace of mind and tell her "fuck everything just let go and have a blast..it's NOT your job to understand everything. to feel everyone's misery".
still, Totoro and Future Boy Conan are among my favorite movies..yes i tear up when i watch them, but still..i watch them. maybe it's because they're not really real? or am i making up for lost time?
posted by Laila K at
19:41
10 Comments:
true emotions and feelings. smile :)
I understand, I remember being embarrassed often as a child, and to this day, I cannot watch people be embarrassed in movies without covering my eyes.
Laila-we all have our sadness. The post was really sharp in knowing how to put it....something I still trying to. again, smile my friend...:)
yes, making up, or not living up to other people's expectations, or maybe convincing urself you have changed... i have contradicting feelings towards the girl I was in my pictures: there are times when i envy her, but mostly i really feel like kicking her, for all her stupidity and all the mistakes she made. but then again, she was just a kid :)
that describes me. aloneness. to a more severe extent probably.
ps: MY BLOG DISAPPEARED!!!!
Shed that skin that you want to fiercely scratch off. She's still there, within me, resurfacing unexpectedly but I put her back to sleep or threaten to choke her if she doesn't.
From your brokeness you radiate healing. What's broken in you wants to heal what's broken in others.
It took me a few years to get rid of my illusion that I have to live up to people's expectations. I'm still working at it, but I'm much better now. I'm still a shy person, but I learnt to say No and even Fuck off if I need to.
Thanks for the post. There is aloneness in all of us. It comes up in different shapes and forms, just as there is beauty and goodness in all of us.
I'm too hung over right now and my head is about to explode so I'm trying to find the words I want to say but I can't... basically I'm trying to say that you have me and you can do whatever you want to me if it makes you feel good! I won't hold it against you :)
Very pretty site! Keep working. thnx!
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Nice! Where you get this guestbook? I want the same script.. Awesome content. thankyou.
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